Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
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5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
constantly working on myself.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.