My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’