I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.