i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
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Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
This January has 47 Mondays
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy