Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”