This might be me.
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“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds