Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
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Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My time has come.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired