At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
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Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Don’t tell me what to do
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them