Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can鈥檛 talk for half the movie.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 馃槶馃槶
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he鈥檚 made of money?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he鈥檇 finished my chocolate
Before we start our poker night, I鈥檇 like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*