When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
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Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Beware…..
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids