[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
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Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
How your email finds me
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma