I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
You Might Also Like
Gemma Correll
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Home #decor warning.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’