Can’t stop laughing
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[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?