*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Tell the colonel to bring it
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers