my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
United Steaks of America
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.