Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”