Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
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Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”