Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
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Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Always a metermaid never a meter
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.