The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
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Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on