At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Interior design 👌
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Blew out my flip flop…
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄