Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
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2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.