The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*