My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging