SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.