A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I triple waxed for this?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time