*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
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That’s what I call a flat tire
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Tremendous stuff
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.