[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
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[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
HOW DARE YOU
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.