when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
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[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Happy thanksgiving
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.