I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
You Might Also Like
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?