Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
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her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Thursday
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
💯😂
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!