When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
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Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.