wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.