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Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.