“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I WON A HAM TODAY
dude it’s called proctologist
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Air conditioning – not a fan
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*