I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
This rocks
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Worst Native American name ever.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”