If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online