Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
He’s dead
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
That was easy.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”