Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
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You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
huge if true: the moon
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I’m a self-made hundredaire