What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
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Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Dance like you’re not the father
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more