My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
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Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”