Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Don’t tell me what to do
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
don’t we all
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Who wants to be my Valentine?