Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I miss this era type of pranks😭
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”