My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
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Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.