[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad