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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?