There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
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“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing