titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
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You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.