“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
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Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol