A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol