the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
You Might Also Like
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Education is vital
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
seems like a niche market
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.